Prosocial shame vs Destructive shame

            Kan thupui hi ka ngaihtuah chhuah pawh a ni lova, American psychiatrist, Dr. Anna lembkei’n a lehkhabu, Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence tih lehkhabu-a a sawi a ni. ‘Shame’ tih thumal hi Pu JF Laldailova chuan ‘hmingchhiatna, mualphona, zahthlakna’ tiin a hrilhfiah a, chu mi awmzia chu, thil lawmawm lam a ni lo phawt tihna a ni. Mahse, Dr. Anna Lembke hian hmingchhiatna, mualphona leh thil zahthlakah pawh hian chi hnih a awm niin a sawi tlat thung a, chu chu kan thupuia kan tarlan khi a ni. A hmasa zawk, prosocial shame chu hmingchhiatna leh mualphona, zah ngawih ngawihna tham thil kan ti emaw, kan tawng a nih pawh a midang ten min diriam mai lova khawngaih leh lainat taka min rawn hnaih emaw, anmahni lama min pawthnai a, chu mualphona leh zahna khur atanga tal chhuak a, nun kawng pangngai kan zawh leh theihna tura min puih, fuih leh kaihhruaina hi a ni tiin a sawi a. Chu tih laiin, destructive shame erawh chu, a chunga kan tarlan dinhmuna kan din laia khawtlang leh mipui mimirin emaw min hnualsuat a, min dem a, min hawisanna hi a ni tiin a sawi thung. Heta tang ringawt pawh hian, zahna leh mualphona rau rauah pawh mihring min ti hmasawn thei leh siam tha thei a awm rualin, kan mualphona leh hmingchhiatna avang ngawr ngawr ai maha, vantlang leh kan mihringpui ten min en dan leh dawm dan azira kan nun pumpui hial pawh chhiat hlen theihna a awm tih chu a chiang mai awm e. Hei hi darthlalanga hmangin, kan hnam nun leh rilru putzia hi I han bihchiang dawn teh ang.

            Mizo te hi kan hnam nunphung leh tihphung zawng zawng deuhthaw a huhova ti thin kan ni a, hei hian kawng hrang hranga kan rilru puthmang leh put dan thleng hian nghawng thui tak a nei tiin kan sawi thei awm e. Kan pipute hunlai atanga vawiin thleng pawh hian chu chu a la danglam tam vak chuangin a lang lo. ‘Mi fel’ kan han tih te pawh hi vantlangin ‘mi fel’ kan tih an ni tlangpui a, chu ti ang bawkin, ‘misual’ pawh vantlangin ‘misual’ kan tih te an ni tlangpui. Dik leh dik lo kan thluk dan te, fel/fel lo leh tha/tha lo kan ngaih dan te, thil pawmawm leh pawmawm lo kan bithliah dan…a tawi zawngin, tha leh sual kan thliar hran dan kawng engkim mai hi mimalin a ngaihtuahna fim leh thiang tak a hman atanga ngaihdan mumal tak, chu ti anga ngaihdan a siam chhan, a tan chhan pawh mumal leh chiang fek fawk tak nei chunga a siam ai chuan, mipui mimir ngaihdan, vantlang/khawtlang pawm dan leh ngaihdan hian kan rilru sukthlek hi a kaihhruai nasa viau niin a lang. Chu mi entirna tha tak pakhat chu sawn thlak chungchangah hian a ni awm e. Sawn thlak hi a that leh that loh lam emaw, a thian leh thian loh lam emaw sawi ka tum lova, sawn thlak chungchanga kan ngaihdan hian prosocial shame nge destructive shame a thlen tih lam zawk hi a ni sawi ka tum zawk chu. Kan sakhua leh khawtlang inzirtirna leh pawm danah hi chuan, sawn thlak hi thil zahthlak, mualphothlak leh hmingchhiatthlak ber te zinga mi a ni a, mahse, han sawifiah fak theih si loh, han siamthat viau ngaihna awm chuang bawk si lo hi a awm tlat mai a, chu chu kha sawn thlaknaa inhnamhnawih mipa leh hmeichhia te dinhmun kha a ni. Mahni chauhvin sawn a thlak theih loh tih chu tute pawhin lu kawlh chala pen ang fawka chiangin kan hre sa vek…mahse, sawn thlak awm apianga a zak zawk, mualpho zawk leh hmingchhe zawk, a sap tawng taka shame phurtu chu hmeichhia zawk an ni zel! A hmeichhia ang bawk a inhnamhnawih ve tho mai pawh ni lo, an inhnamhnawih dan inchen chiah, mipa erawh chu chu ti teh lua in kan dem ngai lem lo thung (kan dem lo tihna erawh a ni lo). He ngaihdan, pawm dan leh hmuh dan hi khawi atanga lo kal nge kan tih chuan, kan kohhran leh vantlang inkaihhruaina, inzirtirna leh inthununna atang bawkin a ni a, mimal chuan ngaihdan, hmuh dan leh pawm dan pawh lo nei ila, kori a tu vak lem lo. Mipa lalna vantlang nun (patriarchal society) kan nih avanga mipa te dinhmun luah ang tam tak hmeichhia ten an luah loh hi chu thuhran nise, sawn thlaktu, mipa te hi chu a hnu zelah pawh nupui fanau neiin, chhungkaw tha tak an din a, kohhran leh khawtlangah dinhmun pawimawh tak tak an chelh leh thei zel a. Hetih lai hian, sawn pawmtu leh paitu, hmeichhia te erawh hi chuan an sawn paina mipa te dinhmun luah ang hi chu an luah pha lo tlangpui zel niin a lang. Chu mi ti chiangtu chu,mipa sawn thlak tam zawk (zawng zawng kan ti zawk dawn nge?) zingah hian sawn an thlak avanga an fate tulpui a, hmeichhe dang kawpzui ta miah lo leh nupui pawh nei leh ta miah lova chawi seilian ta hi sawi tur an vang khawpin ka ring a, chu tih laiin, hmeichhia, sawn pawm te zingah erawh chuan dam chhunga pasal dang nei lova an fate tulpui ta hi sawi tur an awm teuh thung. Sawn thlak chungchang kan han sawi tawi te atang ringawt pawh hian, hmeichhe tan chuan sawn an pai/pawm avanga zahna leh mualphona an phurh hi a tha zawnga zahna phurh (prosocial shame) ni lovin, an nun pumpui tichhe vek thei leh ngai awh leh tir thei tawh lo khawpa zahna leh mualphona (destructive shame) a ni tih chu a lang chiang hle in ka hria. He ti ang chiah hian, kan Mizo khawtlang, vantlang leh kohhran rilru puthmang, inzirtirna leh inthununna hian mimal nunah hian a tha zawnga zah leh mualpho (prosocial shame) min siamsak hi a awm mang lo em ni aw tih ka ngaihtuah thin. Ruihhlo ngai leh zuartutete chungchangah a ni emaw, eiruk ching te, rukru te, mi lepchiah te, zu ngawlvei te leh kawng dang hrang hranga heng mite kan en dan, chhawmdawl dan leh ngaihdan ah te hian, an nun siamthatna aiin a chhe thei ang bera chhuahtir tumna hi kan nei lian zawk niin a lang a, hei hi a pawi hle in ka hria. Chu mi tifiah tur chuan sawn thlak chungchangah bawk khan han let leh lawk ila. Sawn thlak leh sawn pai an awm reng rengin Kohhran chuan an chungah thununna a lekkawh a, kohhran rawngbawlna leh chanvo engmah chelh thei lo turin dan pawnah a dah thin. Sawn thlak leh sawn pai hrim hrim pawh kan Mizo rilru sukthlekah mualphona leh hmingchhiatna lian tak a ni tawh sa tehlul nen, he ti anga kohhranin an chunga kut a han thlak leh ngat phei hi chuan an zahna, mualphona leh hmingchhiatna (shame) kha a belhchhah leh zual sauh tihna a ni a, hei hian a tha zawngin nge, a tha lo zawngin nghawng a neih tih chu kan mimal ngaihdan nise, ka sawi tum zawk chu hei a ni. Kohhranin thununna a lekkawh hi ka demin, ka sawisel hran lova, a tih tur tiin, a thunun a ni mai a. Chu tih rualin, heng thununna an lekkawh te hi an rilru, taksa leh thlarau kawng dika hruai turin kohhran hian a chhawmdawlin, a enkawlzui ngai em, nge, kohhran inkaihhruaina anga an thununna hunbi tiam a zawh hnuah kalphung pangngai angin dan chhungah an lalut a, an duhtawk mai thin? Sawn thlak hi sawi mawi chiam chi pawh a ni hran lova, chu tih rualin, miin sawn a lo thlak/pai avanga mualphona, zahna leh hmingchhiatna an phurh thin te hi an nun siamtha tur, tisual nawn leh tawh lo tura zahna (prosocial shame) a chantir tumin kohhran hian theihtawp a chhuah ngai em…kei chuan a chhuah awm hi ka hre lo. Hei vang tak hian, he ti ang dinhmuna ding te tan hi chuan an zahna, hmingchhiatna leh mualphona te hi an nun siam thatu zahna ni lovin, an nun sawp chhe vektu zahna (destructive shame) ah a chang ta thin a, a paukhauh deuh ten insiam thatna atan an hmang a, a la fuh lo ten an chhiat phah hlauh thung thin. Hei tho hi ruihhlo ngawlvei te kan en dan leh hmuh danah te, ruihhlo zuar te kan sawngbawl dan thleng pawh hian a ni vek. Entirna pakhat han sawi leh lawk teh ang. Pa pakhat (dinhmun azirin nu pakhatah pawh lo chan ta ila) chu a tlangval lai pawh a khawtlang leh kohhranin tlangval fel tak an tih thin a ni a, nupui a neih pawhin lawmpuitu a ngah hle. Mahse, vanduaithlak takin, a nupui chuan kum tam pawh an inneih hman hma in a boralsan ta hlauh mai a, a pasal tuar lutuk chu zu ah a tlan ta chiam mai a. He ti anga a khawsak tak avang hian, kohhran leh khawtlanga chanvo pawimawh tak tak chelh thin kha chawlhtir a ni a, chu chuan a lusun avanga a rilru hahna chu zahna leh mualphona in a rawn belhchhah leh a, a hma aia nasa in zu a in ta zel a. Zu a in nasat tak em avang chuan amah pawh a insit telh telh a, khawtlang leh kohhran tan lah tangkaina a nei tawh lova, amah chu a insitin, a awm dan avang chuan a zak ngawih ngawih a, kohhran leh khawtlang duh loh zawngin a khawsa tih a inhria a, that te pawh a’n tum ve thin, a tlin rei thei ngang bawk si lo. A rilru in a inthiam chawp a, mahse, a inthiam chawpna zawng zawng thleng chuan dawt a ni tih a hai bik bawk si lo. Zawi zawiin, tunhmaa kohhran leh khawtlanga a thawhpui thin ten an hlat hret hret a, amah pawhin a hlat hret hret a, a tawpah chuan zak leh kimki reng rengin, tu khaw kha hriat pawh hlawh lovin a boral ta a ni. He mi chungchangah ringawt pawh hian sawi tur a va tam em! Ruihhlo ngawl vei te, ruihhlo zuar te hi I ngaihsak lehzual ang u, I enkawl uluk lehzualin, I khawngaih lehzual ang u tiin ka rawn campaign pawh a ni hran lo. A nihna takah chuan, eng ngawl veina bawih maha tan loh hi a tang lo te ai aiin, a tang te ngei hian an duh daih zawkin ka ring, mahse, an tang miau si. Heng Pathian leh khawtlang duh loh, dan pawhin a phal loh thil ti te kan buaipui danah hian fuh tawk lo a awmin I hria em? Mak angreng deuh mai chu, misual te chhandam tura lo kal, kan Lal Isua’n a din, kohhran huang chhungah ruihhlo ngai te an kimki chawih chawih a, an rawn tel ve chhunah pawh a chhunga miten kan lo en dan hi ruihhlo ngai lo te nen chuan a inang lo tih hi zep tur a awmin ka hre lo. Chu tih laiin, ram leh hnam humhalhtu, ruihhlo pawh do nasa ber, YMA programme-ah erawh chuan rui chungin, tumah venthawn nei lovin an lam leh suau suau ang lawi a! Heng ho tho hi a piah lawka YMA duty ten kan man leh thin te tho kha an ni lawm ni?

            Kohhran leh tlawmngai pawl hi kan dem a ni lova, chu tih rualin, kan khawtlang inenkawlna leh inthununna kawnga a meichher kengtu, kan rilru leh nun pumpui sukthlek zawng zawng thleng pawh a her danglam vek thei khawpa kan mimal nun leh khawtlang nuna nghawng nei lian an nih avang zawk hian darthlalangah in ennawn se, nun dai pelh tawh leh dai pelh palh te tan hian, an zahna, mualphona leh hmingchhiatna te hi rahbi thar tuksakna atan an/kan hmang nge, a aia thuk zawk, buaina leh beidawnna khura an tlukluhna tur thang kamna atan an/kan hmang thin zawk tih hi ngaihtuah ngun a ngai hle in ka hria. A tir lama ka sawi, Dr. Anna Lembkei’n lehkhabua a ziah, mi pakhat chungchang a sawi khan ka rilru a khawih khawp mai. Sap ramah chuan ruihhlo ngai, entirna atan, zu ngawlvei tan te hian, an ngawlveina atanga an talchhuah theihna tura psychologists leh an ngawlveipui ngei te nena tan la tlanga an inpuihtawn theihna tur, Alcohol Anonymous (AA) meeting te hi an buatsaih thin a. He ti ang hun leh hmuna an inhmuhkhawmnaah hian an harsatna te an in hrilh tawn a, an ngawl veina atanga tal chhuak turin an theihtawpin an inpui tlang thin a, heng AA atanga ngawlvei tal chhuak ta, hlim taka nun pangngaia nung leh ta sawi tur pawh hi an awm teuh reng a ni. Chu ti ang, AA a tel pakhat chuan rilru lama harsatna a neih avangin Dr. Lembke chu a rawn pan a. Dr. Lembkei’n a harsatna tawh a’n zawh chuan, zu ngawl a vei hma, a naupan lai atang tawh a Kristian chhungkaw tha taka seilian a nih thu leh, zu ngawl a vei hnuah pawh Pathianni inkhawm chu a thulh ngai miah loh thu a sawi a. Tum khat chu, an pastor leh kohhrana a memberpui te hnenah a ngawl vei avanga a rilru hah chuan a harsatna chu a hrilh a, chuta an pastor leh a memberpui te lo dawnsawn dan leh thurawn lo pek dan chuan a rilru a ti na ta tlat mai. Kohhran mite chuan chu pa hnenah chuan, kohhran pawn lama a nihna dik tak leh a harsatna te sawichhuak miah lo tur te, zu chu nghei hmak a, sim hlen hmak tur te in an lo hrilh chiam mai a. Mahse, a dinhmun mekah chu chu, chu pa in a mamawh ber chu a ni si lo. AA meetinga a kalnaa mite thung chuan, a insum zo lova a lo ti leh palh zeuh a nih pawh a inthiam lohna engmah nei lo tur leh, amaha do harsa a ti a nih pawh a, eng tik lai pawha an theihna apianga tanpui tura an inpeih reng thu hrilhin, an phone number te an pe a, a khat tawkin phone hmangin an ngaihven zui reng bawk a. Chu pa chuan, a va inkhawm a, a thil tawn atang chuan, biakina a inkhawm leh ngai tawh loh thu a sawi hial a ni.

            Sawi leh sawi hnu, mimal, kohhran leh khawtlang ang pawh hian, ram leh hnam siamthat kan tumna kawngah te, chhandamna kawnga midang te hruai kan tumna kawngah te hian, chung kan mi hruai tum, shame nasa tak lo phur tawhtute chu prosocial shame nge kan phurhtir a, destructive shame zawk le? Kohhranin thununna a lekkawh te, khawtlang leh tlawmngai pawl ten veng chhung atanga kan hnawhchhuah leh an chenna in kan kalhsak thin te…a tawi zawngin, ram leh hnam damna atana kan hmalakna kawng hrang hrang te hian kan thupuia a khawi zawk khi nge a kawh le? Heng an chunga kan thiltih zawng zawng te hi midang te dinhmuna in din tir a, an dinhmun atanga thlir thiamna leh hmuhfiahna, hriatthiamna, lainatna leh khawngaihna thuk tak (empathy) atanga kan tih a ni em tih hi kan inzawh nawn fo a pawimawh hle mai. Prosocial shame hmangin nge destructive shame hmangin kan thlarau nun, kan ram, kan hnam leh khawtlang hi siamthat kan tum a, nun kawng dai pelh laklawh leh tleu laklawh tawh te hi tuamdam kan tum le?