Prosocial shame vs Destructive shame
Kan thupui hi ka ngaihtuah chhuah
pawh a ni lova, American psychiatrist, Dr. Anna lembkei’n a lehkhabu, Dopamine
Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence tih lehkhabu-a a sawi a ni.
‘Shame’ tih thumal hi Pu JF Laldailova chuan ‘hmingchhiatna, mualphona,
zahthlakna’ tiin a hrilhfiah a, chu mi awmzia chu, thil lawmawm lam a ni lo
phawt tihna a ni. Mahse, Dr. Anna Lembke hian hmingchhiatna, mualphona leh thil
zahthlakah pawh hian chi hnih a awm niin a sawi tlat thung a, chu chu kan
thupuia kan tarlan khi a ni. A hmasa zawk, prosocial shame chu
hmingchhiatna leh mualphona, zah ngawih ngawihna tham thil kan ti emaw, kan
tawng a nih pawh a midang ten min diriam mai lova khawngaih leh lainat taka min
rawn hnaih emaw, anmahni lama min pawthnai a, chu mualphona leh zahna khur
atanga tal chhuak a, nun kawng pangngai kan zawh leh theihna tura min puih,
fuih leh kaihhruaina hi a ni tiin a sawi a. Chu tih laiin, destructive shame
erawh chu, a chunga kan tarlan dinhmuna kan din laia khawtlang leh mipui
mimirin emaw min hnualsuat a, min dem a, min hawisanna hi a ni tiin a sawi
thung. Heta tang ringawt pawh hian, zahna leh mualphona rau rauah pawh mihring
min ti hmasawn thei leh siam tha thei a awm rualin, kan mualphona leh
hmingchhiatna avang ngawr ngawr ai maha, vantlang leh kan mihringpui ten min en
dan leh dawm dan azira kan nun pumpui hial pawh chhiat hlen theihna a awm tih
chu a chiang mai awm e. Hei hi darthlalanga hmangin, kan hnam nun leh rilru
putzia hi I han bihchiang dawn teh ang.
Mizo te hi kan hnam nunphung leh
tihphung zawng zawng deuhthaw a huhova ti thin kan ni a, hei hian kawng hrang
hranga kan rilru puthmang leh put dan thleng hian nghawng thui tak a nei tiin
kan sawi thei awm e. Kan pipute hunlai atanga vawiin thleng pawh hian chu chu a
la danglam tam vak chuangin a lang lo. ‘Mi fel’ kan han tih te pawh hi
vantlangin ‘mi fel’ kan tih an ni tlangpui a, chu ti ang bawkin, ‘misual’ pawh
vantlangin ‘misual’ kan tih te an ni tlangpui. Dik leh dik lo kan thluk dan te,
fel/fel lo leh tha/tha lo kan ngaih dan te, thil pawmawm leh pawmawm lo kan
bithliah dan…a tawi zawngin, tha leh sual kan thliar hran dan kawng engkim mai
hi mimalin a ngaihtuahna fim leh thiang tak a hman atanga ngaihdan mumal tak,
chu ti anga ngaihdan a siam chhan, a tan chhan pawh mumal leh chiang fek fawk
tak nei chunga a siam ai chuan, mipui mimir ngaihdan, vantlang/khawtlang pawm
dan leh ngaihdan hian kan rilru sukthlek hi a kaihhruai nasa viau niin a lang.
Chu mi entirna tha tak pakhat chu sawn thlak chungchangah hian a ni awm e. Sawn
thlak hi a that leh that loh lam emaw, a thian leh thian loh lam emaw sawi ka
tum lova, sawn thlak chungchanga kan ngaihdan hian prosocial shame nge destructive
shame a thlen tih lam zawk hi a ni sawi ka tum zawk chu. Kan sakhua leh
khawtlang inzirtirna leh pawm danah hi chuan, sawn thlak hi thil zahthlak, mualphothlak
leh hmingchhiatthlak ber te zinga mi a ni a, mahse, han sawifiah fak theih si
loh, han siamthat viau ngaihna awm chuang bawk si lo hi a awm tlat mai a, chu
chu kha sawn thlaknaa inhnamhnawih mipa leh hmeichhia te dinhmun kha a ni. Mahni
chauhvin sawn a thlak theih loh tih chu tute pawhin lu kawlh chala pen ang
fawka chiangin kan hre sa vek…mahse, sawn thlak awm apianga a zak zawk, mualpho
zawk leh hmingchhe zawk, a sap tawng taka shame phurtu chu hmeichhia
zawk an ni zel! A hmeichhia ang bawk a inhnamhnawih ve tho mai pawh ni lo, an
inhnamhnawih dan inchen chiah, mipa erawh chu chu ti teh lua in kan dem ngai
lem lo thung (kan dem lo tihna erawh a ni lo). He ngaihdan, pawm dan leh hmuh
dan hi khawi atanga lo kal nge kan tih chuan, kan kohhran leh vantlang
inkaihhruaina, inzirtirna leh inthununna atang bawkin a ni a, mimal chuan
ngaihdan, hmuh dan leh pawm dan pawh lo nei ila, kori a tu vak lem lo. Mipa
lalna vantlang nun (patriarchal society) kan nih avanga mipa te dinhmun luah
ang tam tak hmeichhia ten an luah loh hi chu thuhran nise, sawn thlaktu, mipa
te hi chu a hnu zelah pawh nupui fanau neiin, chhungkaw tha tak an din a,
kohhran leh khawtlangah dinhmun pawimawh tak tak an chelh leh thei zel a. Hetih
lai hian, sawn pawmtu leh paitu, hmeichhia te erawh hi chuan an sawn paina mipa
te dinhmun luah ang hi chu an luah pha lo tlangpui zel niin a lang. Chu mi ti
chiangtu chu,mipa sawn thlak tam zawk (zawng zawng kan ti zawk dawn nge?)
zingah hian sawn an thlak avanga an fate tulpui a, hmeichhe dang kawpzui ta
miah lo leh nupui pawh nei leh ta miah lova chawi seilian ta hi sawi tur an
vang khawpin ka ring a, chu tih laiin, hmeichhia, sawn pawm te zingah erawh chuan
dam chhunga pasal dang nei lova an fate tulpui ta hi sawi tur an awm teuh
thung. Sawn thlak chungchang kan han sawi tawi te atang ringawt pawh hian,
hmeichhe tan chuan sawn an pai/pawm avanga zahna leh mualphona an phurh hi a
tha zawnga zahna phurh (prosocial shame) ni lovin, an nun pumpui tichhe vek
thei leh ngai awh leh tir thei tawh lo khawpa zahna leh mualphona (destructive
shame) a ni tih chu a lang chiang hle in ka hria. He ti ang chiah hian, kan
Mizo khawtlang, vantlang leh kohhran rilru puthmang, inzirtirna leh inthununna
hian mimal nunah hian a tha zawnga zah leh mualpho (prosocial shame) min
siamsak hi a awm mang lo em ni aw tih ka ngaihtuah thin. Ruihhlo ngai leh
zuartutete chungchangah a ni emaw, eiruk ching te, rukru te, mi lepchiah te, zu
ngawlvei te leh kawng dang hrang hranga heng mite kan en dan, chhawmdawl dan
leh ngaihdan ah te hian, an nun siamthatna aiin a chhe thei ang bera chhuahtir tumna
hi kan nei lian zawk niin a lang a, hei hi a pawi hle in ka hria. Chu mi tifiah
tur chuan sawn thlak chungchangah bawk khan han let leh lawk ila. Sawn thlak
leh sawn pai an awm reng rengin Kohhran chuan an chungah thununna a lekkawh a,
kohhran rawngbawlna leh chanvo engmah chelh thei lo turin dan pawnah a dah
thin. Sawn thlak leh sawn pai hrim hrim pawh kan Mizo rilru sukthlekah
mualphona leh hmingchhiatna lian tak a ni tawh sa tehlul nen, he ti anga
kohhranin an chunga kut a han thlak leh ngat phei hi chuan an zahna, mualphona
leh hmingchhiatna (shame) kha a belhchhah leh zual sauh tihna a ni a, hei hian
a tha zawngin nge, a tha lo zawngin nghawng a neih tih chu kan mimal ngaihdan
nise, ka sawi tum zawk chu hei a ni. Kohhranin thununna a lekkawh hi ka demin,
ka sawisel hran lova, a tih tur tiin, a thunun a ni mai a. Chu tih rualin, heng
thununna an lekkawh te hi an rilru, taksa leh thlarau kawng dika hruai turin
kohhran hian a chhawmdawlin, a enkawlzui ngai em, nge, kohhran inkaihhruaina
anga an thununna hunbi tiam a zawh hnuah kalphung pangngai angin dan chhungah
an lalut a, an duhtawk mai thin? Sawn thlak hi sawi mawi chiam chi pawh a ni
hran lova, chu tih rualin, miin sawn a lo thlak/pai avanga mualphona, zahna leh
hmingchhiatna an phurh thin te hi an nun siamtha tur, tisual nawn leh tawh lo
tura zahna (prosocial shame) a chantir tumin kohhran hian theihtawp a chhuah
ngai em…kei chuan a chhuah awm hi ka hre lo. Hei vang tak hian, he ti ang
dinhmuna ding te tan hi chuan an zahna, hmingchhiatna leh mualphona te hi an
nun siam thatu zahna ni lovin, an nun sawp chhe vektu zahna (destructive shame)
ah a chang ta thin a, a paukhauh deuh ten insiam thatna atan an hmang a, a la
fuh lo ten an chhiat phah hlauh thung thin. Hei tho hi ruihhlo ngawlvei te kan
en dan leh hmuh danah te, ruihhlo zuar te kan sawngbawl dan thleng pawh hian a
ni vek. Entirna pakhat han sawi leh lawk teh ang. Pa pakhat (dinhmun azirin nu
pakhatah pawh lo chan ta ila) chu a tlangval lai pawh a khawtlang leh kohhranin
tlangval fel tak an tih thin a ni a, nupui a neih pawhin lawmpuitu a ngah hle.
Mahse, vanduaithlak takin, a nupui chuan kum tam pawh an inneih hman hma in a
boralsan ta hlauh mai a, a pasal tuar lutuk chu zu ah a tlan ta chiam mai a. He
ti anga a khawsak tak avang hian, kohhran leh khawtlanga chanvo pawimawh tak tak
chelh thin kha chawlhtir a ni a, chu chuan a lusun avanga a rilru hahna chu
zahna leh mualphona in a rawn belhchhah leh a, a hma aia nasa in zu a in ta zel
a. Zu a in nasat tak em avang chuan amah pawh a insit telh telh a, khawtlang
leh kohhran tan lah tangkaina a nei tawh lova, amah chu a insitin, a awm dan
avang chuan a zak ngawih ngawih a, kohhran leh khawtlang duh loh zawngin a
khawsa tih a inhria a, that te pawh a’n tum ve thin, a tlin rei thei ngang bawk
si lo. A rilru in a inthiam chawp a, mahse, a inthiam chawpna zawng zawng thleng
chuan dawt a ni tih a hai bik bawk si lo. Zawi zawiin, tunhmaa kohhran leh
khawtlanga a thawhpui thin ten an hlat hret hret a, amah pawhin a hlat hret
hret a, a tawpah chuan zak leh kimki reng rengin, tu khaw kha hriat pawh hlawh
lovin a boral ta a ni. He mi chungchangah ringawt pawh hian sawi tur a va tam
em! Ruihhlo ngawl vei te, ruihhlo zuar te hi I ngaihsak lehzual ang u, I enkawl
uluk lehzualin, I khawngaih lehzual ang u tiin ka rawn campaign pawh a ni hran
lo. A nihna takah chuan, eng ngawl veina bawih maha tan loh hi a tang lo te ai
aiin, a tang te ngei hian an duh daih zawkin ka ring, mahse, an tang miau si. Heng
Pathian leh khawtlang duh loh, dan pawhin a phal loh thil ti te kan buaipui
danah hian fuh tawk lo a awmin I hria em? Mak angreng deuh mai chu, misual te
chhandam tura lo kal, kan Lal Isua’n a din, kohhran huang chhungah ruihhlo ngai
te an kimki chawih chawih a, an rawn tel ve chhunah pawh a chhunga miten kan lo
en dan hi ruihhlo ngai lo te nen chuan a inang lo tih hi zep tur a awmin ka hre
lo. Chu tih laiin, ram leh hnam humhalhtu, ruihhlo pawh do nasa ber, YMA
programme-ah erawh chuan rui chungin, tumah venthawn nei lovin an lam leh suau
suau ang lawi a! Heng ho tho hi a piah lawka YMA duty ten kan man leh thin te
tho kha an ni lawm ni?
Kohhran leh tlawmngai pawl hi kan
dem a ni lova, chu tih rualin, kan khawtlang inenkawlna leh inthununna kawnga a
meichher kengtu, kan rilru leh nun pumpui sukthlek zawng zawng thleng pawh a
her danglam vek thei khawpa kan mimal nun leh khawtlang nuna nghawng nei lian
an nih avang zawk hian darthlalangah in ennawn se, nun dai pelh tawh leh dai
pelh palh te tan hian, an zahna, mualphona leh hmingchhiatna te hi rahbi thar tuksakna
atan an/kan hmang nge, a aia thuk zawk, buaina leh beidawnna khura an tlukluhna
tur thang kamna atan an/kan hmang thin zawk tih hi ngaihtuah ngun a ngai hle in
ka hria. A tir lama ka sawi, Dr. Anna Lembkei’n lehkhabua a ziah, mi pakhat
chungchang a sawi khan ka rilru a khawih khawp mai. Sap ramah chuan ruihhlo
ngai, entirna atan, zu ngawlvei tan te hian, an ngawlveina atanga an talchhuah
theihna tura psychologists leh an ngawlveipui ngei te nena tan la tlanga an
inpuihtawn theihna tur, Alcohol Anonymous (AA) meeting te hi an buatsaih thin a.
He ti ang hun leh hmuna an inhmuhkhawmnaah hian an harsatna te an in hrilh tawn
a, an ngawl veina atanga tal chhuak turin an theihtawpin an inpui tlang thin a,
heng AA atanga ngawlvei tal chhuak ta, hlim taka nun pangngaia nung leh ta sawi
tur pawh hi an awm teuh reng a ni. Chu ti ang, AA a tel pakhat chuan rilru lama
harsatna a neih avangin Dr. Lembke chu a rawn pan a. Dr. Lembkei’n a harsatna
tawh a’n zawh chuan, zu ngawl a vei hma, a naupan lai atang tawh a Kristian chhungkaw
tha taka seilian a nih thu leh, zu ngawl a vei hnuah pawh Pathianni inkhawm chu
a thulh ngai miah loh thu a sawi a. Tum khat chu, an pastor leh kohhrana a
memberpui te hnenah a ngawl vei avanga a rilru hah chuan a harsatna chu a hrilh
a, chuta an pastor leh a memberpui te lo dawnsawn dan leh thurawn lo pek dan
chuan a rilru a ti na ta tlat mai. Kohhran mite chuan chu pa hnenah chuan,
kohhran pawn lama a nihna dik tak leh a harsatna te sawichhuak miah lo tur te, zu
chu nghei hmak a, sim hlen hmak tur te in an lo hrilh chiam mai a. Mahse, a
dinhmun mekah chu chu, chu pa in a mamawh ber chu a ni si lo. AA meetinga a
kalnaa mite thung chuan, a insum zo lova a lo ti leh palh zeuh a nih pawh a
inthiam lohna engmah nei lo tur leh, amaha do harsa a ti a nih pawh a, eng tik
lai pawha an theihna apianga tanpui tura an inpeih reng thu hrilhin, an phone
number te an pe a, a khat tawkin phone hmangin an ngaihven zui reng bawk a. Chu
pa chuan, a va inkhawm a, a thil tawn atang chuan, biakina a inkhawm leh ngai
tawh loh thu a sawi hial a ni.
Sawi leh sawi hnu, mimal, kohhran
leh khawtlang ang pawh hian, ram leh hnam siamthat kan tumna kawngah te,
chhandamna kawnga midang te hruai kan tumna kawngah te hian, chung kan mi hruai
tum, shame nasa tak lo phur tawhtute chu prosocial shame nge kan
phurhtir a, destructive shame zawk le? Kohhranin thununna a lekkawh te,
khawtlang leh tlawmngai pawl ten veng chhung atanga kan hnawhchhuah leh an
chenna in kan kalhsak thin te…a tawi zawngin, ram leh hnam damna atana kan
hmalakna kawng hrang hrang te hian kan thupuia a khawi zawk khi nge a kawh le? Heng
an chunga kan thiltih zawng zawng te hi midang te dinhmuna in din tir a, an
dinhmun atanga thlir thiamna leh hmuhfiahna, hriatthiamna, lainatna leh
khawngaihna thuk tak (empathy) atanga kan tih a ni em tih hi kan inzawh nawn fo
a pawimawh hle mai. Prosocial shame hmangin nge destructive shame hmangin
kan thlarau nun, kan ram, kan hnam leh khawtlang hi siamthat kan tum a, nun
kawng dai pelh laklawh leh tleu laklawh tawh te hi tuamdam kan tum le?
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